romney

'There's such a thing as chemo hair,' said the hairdresser some time back, despite me repeatedly trying to tell her that what I had was radiotherapy, not chemotherapy. 'Same for your hair, almost,' she said. I don't think it is, but she was on a roll. 'When your hair first grows back, it's going to be strange. Still got the chemo in it you see. Might as well shave it all off, the next growth is better.'

I ignored her because I am not shaving my head for someone who tells me chemo and radiotherapy are effectively the same thing. So it has grown. And I have to admit, it's not great. The trouble is knowing the difference between ageing hair, treated hair, radiotherapied hair, cancer hair and whatever the hell else is going on. Also, it itches, the colour doesn't last, and the last time she coloured my hair it burned my scalp. I had to stop her.

Right now it looks dry, brittle. There is some shine, but not my normal shine. The nurses were a bit more useful. 'It's going to change, they said, 'colour change, texture change, maybe it will start being wavy.' I asked them if I should shave my head. 'That's up to you,' they said, 'but you don't need to.' I told them about the hairdresser. They tried to be polite.

Now I have seaweed shampoo and conditioner. Let's see what happens.

Yesterday I did stuff that needed doing and took effort, today I started one thing, ended up doing two others, more productive than I have been but.. truth is that by 11 I am done. If I am to get anything really sorted I have to get up early in the morning and do it straight away. And yet, how true is this, really? I stayed up late doing the place plan. That wasn't creative as such, it was recording, taxing in a different way and once I finished it I collapsed into near torpor for weeks. Let's be honest, I couldn't do it again.

The whole after cancer thing is driving me mad. I'll talk to the doctor soon. This fatigue is just ridiculous, the depression less insidious because I know its cause but still damaging. All they are going to say to me is that we can try Tamoxifen, but its rep for side effects is worse than Letrozole, and it took me long enough to get used to the latter. Ten years like this? I know, time to be grateful, make the best of it, people are facing much worse. If I can cover my head in kelp I'm doing OK.

I will talk about things other people have screwed up.

Dracula, A love tale or Drac 2025 or whatever the hell title it's slinking around under.

Abysmal, dire Coppola knock off, Besson just gave up I reckon. Terrible from the get go. Drac and Elisabetta doo-ooo-ing it so much, he hasn't had time to wash his hair in years. I stared at the attempted eroticism of Vlad and Elizabetta and wondering if there's a bed in our house that would suit chocolate silk bedsheets covered with roses, or if it would just make guests think they were sinking into an enormous turkish delight. Meanwhile, Drac had to be pulled off his girl and placed into his armour, inspiring for his troops not! I wouldn't follow this guy into a pub never mind war with the Turks. Still, this film does have comedy gargoyles. (https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Tbkfondq3E8 ) They could have turned this into a faery vampire story, baobhan sidhe, Jareth as blood drinker etc. I keep thinking I should finish it for more gargoyle japes, but I'm just not that strong.

Put all the Christmas decorations in the attic. Loud happy conversations from what sounded like hundreds of pigeons on the roof cooing and chattering. Other birds too. Maybe we need to sort out better insulation, but I'm happy if they all had warm feet. And they sounded happy! I spoke to them, they went quiet, and then all started cooing, cawing and chirping back.

I can't express how excellent this was.

Earlier today, we had a little snow. I saw a flake that looked different to the others so I went out to check.

It was a teeny white curled feather, presumably from some denizen of the roof. But it fell so gently, just like everything else, it might as well have come straight out of the sky.

And this is why, despite all that is happening, I feel a lightness in my heart.

Wishing that for you too X

One from the magnificent mallorys_camera, the other from a dear friend not found here, though I don't know if she passes this way sometimes.



Thank you. Today I am happy because of you.❤️

https://www.souschef.co.uk/products/ceramic-red-onion-jug
The handle does not help.

It’s designed to look like a pile of glossy red onions.
Part of that sentence works.

Time to take the Christmas Decorations down. Tradition says to wait for the Feast of the Epiphany, but the weather's freezing bitter right now, the snow light but sullenly determined not to shift. It's set to get worse. Meanwhile, sweet things; my husband has put up some of my paintings. I am at once pleased and embarrassed, because I know they aren't all that. Part of me dreads what his parents will say. One at least* would look reasonable in a frame, the others... of course I love them, I made them; but my adult self knows they don't deserve this focus. I am torn between shy happiness and a dread of hearing truthful comments. Still, I got lots of fab art supplies this Christmas, so I must at least try to become better at this.


*painting, not in-law.